Keeping Your Military Marriage Strong Despite Prolonged Deployments or Injuries

Michael Schindler

 

"Commitment is just that: commitment; for better or for worse."

Our commitment level in many arenas is being tested - none more so than in our military marriages. While the Army can proudly claim that they have fewer divorces than their counterparts in the civilian world, this claim is quickly being challenged by the record number of married warriors returning with injuries. Many of the injuries, outside of TBI and PTSD, have resulted in disfigurement, loss of limbs and a weak emotional state that often lead to strained and dissolved marriages. Many military marriages aren't prepared - and didn't prepare on the front end - to deal with this change in their marriage dynamic. The sad fact is that when you walk the halls of the recovery hospitals it isn't too uncommon to hear stories of recovering service members being faced with his/her spouse leaving the marriage.

So how does one plan for the unthinkable? How are couples expected to keep that commitment even through the "for worse" times when the level of support, especially for Reserve and Guard families seems to be non-existent?

I presented Brian and Jody, who experienced many challenges throughout Brian's deployment to Afghanistan, this very question and their answer boiled down into what seemed a Polly-Anna pep answer, "You hold on to the vision - that perfect, romantic marriage picture in your head that first brought you together - and you focus on that." Say what you will, but there is tremendous power in going back to the core or root of why you got married in the first place.

It is absolutely no secret that marriage is tough. As Army Chaplain Ken Alford shared, "marriages face challenges that have nothing to do with deployment." We all experience the days when we think the "grass is greener" and that to re-experience the "young and single, love to mingle" stage of our life would be awesome. This might seem even more tempting when our spouse has faced a life changing injury or some form of depression. The truth is that every study known to man on happiness just doesn't support this train of thought.

Despite long deployments or injuries, there are several steps you can implement that will aid you in your journey to keeping your marriage strong:

1. Find a couple whom you and your spouse respect and find out what they do to have the relationship they have.

2. Identify common goals you want to achieve as a couple. If you or your spouse is injured, discuss how your injury will affect achieving this goal and then determine how you can support each other in attaining the goal.

3. Consider reading Dr. Bridgett Cantrell's book "Down Range: To Iraq and Back" or visit her website: www.heartstowardhome.com

Bottom line? Fight to make the marriage work. Seek out a marriage coach if needed and just know that many couples, despite injury and months of separation have successfully found ways to readjust and reunite their love.To learn more: visit: www.operationmilitaryfamily.org

Mike Schindler is the CEO for a web-based marketing firm, developing subscriber bases for some of the top Fortune 500 companies. He is also the founder of Operation Military Family - a company committed to raising the awareness of what resources, programs and tools are made available to our service members and families. OMF drives funds from book sales and speaking engagements back into military marriage related programs and the Veterans Family Fund. More information can be found at http://www.operationmilitaryfamily.org/ Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_Schindler

Marriage and Sex - Balancing Frequency and Quality

Carnell Borden

 

Framing the issues:

Frequency, of course, references the number of times we make love during a period of time (weekly, monthly, etc.).  There is, of course, the common concern of whether or not we're 'doing it' regularly enough.  The national average for married couple having sex weekly is about 1.9 to 2.6 by most polls.  That's about twice a week.

However, even if you're doing twice per week, this may be too much for one of you and not enough for the other.  So the challenge is to find a balance that satisfies mismatched sex drives

Quality, of course, is the perceived level of satisfaction achieved on average from what is shared prior, during, and after sexual intimacy.  Again, there is a common concern...how do I get what I need while providing my spouse with what they need.  National polls routinely prove that married couples are more satisfied with the quality of their lovemaking by a substantial margin.  Length of time married and the overall health of the relationship seem to be critical factors among those polled. 

However, many marriages see quality sacrificed for quantity or experience a lack of effort on the part of one or both spouses.  So the challenge is to find a level of investment each can make that will create an acceptable level of satisfaction.  What to do...what to do?

Approaching Issue Resolution:

Our recommendation are often to have us re-evaluate our assumptions of what frequency and quality are and how they relate to our situations.  If we are having sex every night, over time, we may become dulled to the essential parts of quality sexual intercourse...anticipation and unpredictability.  Arousal only gets us so far.  Vaginal wetness and penile erection are physical responses to mental stimuli (for the most part).  However, as with your favorite meal, one may tire of it eventually.   The desire will return but it may be good to take breaks in between to re-establish appreciation.  This is frequency negatively impacting quality.

If we are expecting 30 minutes of foreplay each time we make love OR if it takes a substantial amount of time to become 'prepared' for lovemaking, the events can be perceived as a chore for either spouse.  Moreover, spouses may internalize the need for so much preparation (efforts to get the other aroused or ready) as being a lack of attraction.  Men are susceptible to seeing their wives not being able to get 'wet' easily as not 'wanting' them.  This may create a vicious cycle wherein husbands turn to an active fantasy life to 'stroke' their own egos and sustain sexual arousal.  This also works in the reverse where wives see their husband's lack of initiation as a rejection of them and shutdown emotionally and become guarded making it more difficult to accept their initiation of sex when offered.  This may be the pursuit of quality impacting frequency.

In between the above scenarios, there are a number of different situations that most closely resemble our individual situations.  Here are some questions to ponder for the purpose of discussing how to deal with issues of frequency (wanting it more or less often) and quality (wanting to emotionally connect better and share more deeply and creatively prior, during, and after sex):

1. How often would you prefer sex? 

2. Whose frequency is not being satisfied?  Why do you think that's the case?

3. What is quality sex for you?  What  (sexual behavior or activity) do you want to happen more often than not?

4. How long should lovemaking last?  How long does it last?

5. What are some of the barriers to you getting what you want or need?

6. What are some strategies for getting what you want or need that you've tried?

These are just a few of many questions we can ask each other and ourselves.  Then, think of what our spouses might say if asked them.

How do we bridge the differences?  How do we work toward mutual satisfaction?  We talk.  We negotiate.  Ultimately, each sacrifices for the other.  And we do these things from an abiding place of love, respect and a mutual desire to see the other pleased!

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Understanding Women For A Successful Marriage - Wisdom About Sex and Intimacy For Her

Alicia McWilliams 

 

Women are said to be complex beings. Most of the time they are described by men to be "too hard to understand" especially with their frequent mood swings and the like. They are also quite well known to be the shy when it comes to the topic of sex and intimacy.

Believe it or not, even married women have issues on sex and intimacy. Most of the time, this becomes a problem in the marriage, since men really don't like being rejected by their partner when it comes to the arena of making love. However, it isn't really all due to the reason that a woman doesn't want her man, but instead, there are a variety of reasons why problems like this occur.

So, as a guide, it is important that you understand how women feel and perceive intimacy and sex differently than men. Here are the essentials that you need to know.

In reality, it is impossible to pinpoint exactly what women want. Just like everything else in life, it is based on an individual preference or basis. Hence, whatever a woman is longing for or in regard to the area of sex would be simply what she needs during that time in her life.

For instance, there are some women who enjoy getting a lot of affection and tenderness but have a low intensity in the bedroom. On the other hand, there are also women that may get a big share of extreme, physical sex but actually yearn for more consideration, affection, and gentleness to get some balance.

Nevertheless, there is still a general trend among women. This can be backed-up by the numerous studies and research that have been held through the years.

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