Keeping Your Military Marriage Strong Despite Prolonged Deployments or Injuries

Michael Schindler

 

"Commitment is just that: commitment; for better or for worse."

Our commitment level in many arenas is being tested - none more so than in our military marriages. While the Army can proudly claim that they have fewer divorces than their counterparts in the civilian world, this claim is quickly being challenged by the record number of married warriors returning with injuries. Many of the injuries, outside of TBI and PTSD, have resulted in disfigurement, loss of limbs and a weak emotional state that often lead to strained and dissolved marriages. Many military marriages aren't prepared - and didn't prepare on the front end - to deal with this change in their marriage dynamic. The sad fact is that when you walk the halls of the recovery hospitals it isn't too uncommon to hear stories of recovering service members being faced with his/her spouse leaving the marriage.

So how does one plan for the unthinkable? How are couples expected to keep that commitment even through the "for worse" times when the level of support, especially for Reserve and Guard families seems to be non-existent?

I presented Brian and Jody, who experienced many challenges throughout Brian's deployment to Afghanistan, this very question and their answer boiled down into what seemed a Polly-Anna pep answer, "You hold on to the vision - that perfect, romantic marriage picture in your head that first brought you together - and you focus on that." Say what you will, but there is tremendous power in going back to the core or root of why you got married in the first place.

It is absolutely no secret that marriage is tough. As Army Chaplain Ken Alford shared, "marriages face challenges that have nothing to do with deployment." We all experience the days when we think the "grass is greener" and that to re-experience the "young and single, love to mingle" stage of our life would be awesome. This might seem even more tempting when our spouse has faced a life changing injury or some form of depression. The truth is that every study known to man on happiness just doesn't support this train of thought.

Despite long deployments or injuries, there are several steps you can implement that will aid you in your journey to keeping your marriage strong:

1. Find a couple whom you and your spouse respect and find out what they do to have the relationship they have.

2. Identify common goals you want to achieve as a couple. If you or your spouse is injured, discuss how your injury will affect achieving this goal and then determine how you can support each other in attaining the goal.

3. Consider reading Dr. Bridgett Cantrell's book "Down Range: To Iraq and Back" or visit her website: www.heartstowardhome.com

Bottom line? Fight to make the marriage work. Seek out a marriage coach if needed and just know that many couples, despite injury and months of separation have successfully found ways to readjust and reunite their love.To learn more: visit: www.operationmilitaryfamily.org

Mike Schindler is the CEO for a web-based marketing firm, developing subscriber bases for some of the top Fortune 500 companies. He is also the founder of Operation Military Family - a company committed to raising the awareness of what resources, programs and tools are made available to our service members and families. OMF drives funds from book sales and speaking engagements back into military marriage related programs and the Veterans Family Fund. More information can be found at http://www.operationmilitaryfamily.org/ Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_Schindler

Marriage and Sex - Balancing Frequency and Quality

Carnell Borden

 

Framing the issues:

Frequency, of course, references the number of times we make love during a period of time (weekly, monthly, etc.).  There is, of course, the common concern of whether or not we're 'doing it' regularly enough.  The national average for married couple having sex weekly is about 1.9 to 2.6 by most polls.  That's about twice a week.

However, even if you're doing twice per week, this may be too much for one of you and not enough for the other.  So the challenge is to find a balance that satisfies mismatched sex drives

Quality, of course, is the perceived level of satisfaction achieved on average from what is shared prior, during, and after sexual intimacy.  Again, there is a common concern...how do I get what I need while providing my spouse with what they need.  National polls routinely prove that married couples are more satisfied with the quality of their lovemaking by a substantial margin.  Length of time married and the overall health of the relationship seem to be critical factors among those polled. 

However, many marriages see quality sacrificed for quantity or experience a lack of effort on the part of one or both spouses.  So the challenge is to find a level of investment each can make that will create an acceptable level of satisfaction.  What to do...what to do?

Approaching Issue Resolution:

Our recommendation are often to have us re-evaluate our assumptions of what frequency and quality are and how they relate to our situations.  If we are having sex every night, over time, we may become dulled to the essential parts of quality sexual intercourse...anticipation and unpredictability.  Arousal only gets us so far.  Vaginal wetness and penile erection are physical responses to mental stimuli (for the most part).  However, as with your favorite meal, one may tire of it eventually.   The desire will return but it may be good to take breaks in between to re-establish appreciation.  This is frequency negatively impacting quality.

If we are expecting 30 minutes of foreplay each time we make love OR if it takes a substantial amount of time to become 'prepared' for lovemaking, the events can be perceived as a chore for either spouse.  Moreover, spouses may internalize the need for so much preparation (efforts to get the other aroused or ready) as being a lack of attraction.  Men are susceptible to seeing their wives not being able to get 'wet' easily as not 'wanting' them.  This may create a vicious cycle wherein husbands turn to an active fantasy life to 'stroke' their own egos and sustain sexual arousal.  This also works in the reverse where wives see their husband's lack of initiation as a rejection of them and shutdown emotionally and become guarded making it more difficult to accept their initiation of sex when offered.  This may be the pursuit of quality impacting frequency.

In between the above scenarios, there are a number of different situations that most closely resemble our individual situations.  Here are some questions to ponder for the purpose of discussing how to deal with issues of frequency (wanting it more or less often) and quality (wanting to emotionally connect better and share more deeply and creatively prior, during, and after sex):

1. How often would you prefer sex? 

2. Whose frequency is not being satisfied?  Why do you think that's the case?

3. What is quality sex for you?  What  (sexual behavior or activity) do you want to happen more often than not?

4. How long should lovemaking last?  How long does it last?

5. What are some of the barriers to you getting what you want or need?

6. What are some strategies for getting what you want or need that you've tried?

These are just a few of many questions we can ask each other and ourselves.  Then, think of what our spouses might say if asked them.

How do we bridge the differences?  How do we work toward mutual satisfaction?  We talk.  We negotiate.  Ultimately, each sacrifices for the other.  And we do these things from an abiding place of love, respect and a mutual desire to see the other pleased!

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Understanding Women For A Successful Marriage - Wisdom About Sex and Intimacy For Her

Alicia McWilliams 

 

Women are said to be complex beings. Most of the time they are described by men to be "too hard to understand" especially with their frequent mood swings and the like. They are also quite well known to be the shy when it comes to the topic of sex and intimacy.

Believe it or not, even married women have issues on sex and intimacy. Most of the time, this becomes a problem in the marriage, since men really don't like being rejected by their partner when it comes to the arena of making love. However, it isn't really all due to the reason that a woman doesn't want her man, but instead, there are a variety of reasons why problems like this occur.

So, as a guide, it is important that you understand how women feel and perceive intimacy and sex differently than men. Here are the essentials that you need to know.

In reality, it is impossible to pinpoint exactly what women want. Just like everything else in life, it is based on an individual preference or basis. Hence, whatever a woman is longing for or in regard to the area of sex would be simply what she needs during that time in her life.

For instance, there are some women who enjoy getting a lot of affection and tenderness but have a low intensity in the bedroom. On the other hand, there are also women that may get a big share of extreme, physical sex but actually yearn for more consideration, affection, and gentleness to get some balance.

Nevertheless, there is still a general trend among women. This can be backed-up by the numerous studies and research that have been held through the years.

Prevent your marriage from breaking up. If you are serious about a successful marriage, act now and learn more about tips for successful marriage at http://successfulmarriage.bestreferenceguide.com. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Alicia_McWilliams

How to Stay Faithful in Your Marriage

Angie Lewis 

 

Did you know that our thoughts and beliefs become actions over time? The more we think about being with other people outside of our marriage, the more these thoughts will become our actions. Knowing this then, the first step to conquer infidelity is not to have the desires within our mind in the first place. Easier said than done? Not really.

We desire others sexually because we have been conditioned into believing its OK to do so - it's a mindset. We have been trained to desire others sexually at a young age, and we have been conditioned into believing it's ok to look at scantily dressed women and men. Our conscience may even tell us that it's wrong to actually commit the act of sex outside of marriage, but does our conscience tell us that the desire is wrong?

The bible definitely lets us know that desiring others sexually is wrong because it leads to sin, so then what is the problem? The problem is we aren't going to the root of the problem. The root of sexual lust is in how we think towards human beings. So then to stop the desire we only have to change the way we think about others. Are we really respecting others in the way that Christ has taught us to? If we truly respect another person then we should have the attitude to not think about desiring them lustfully and disrespecting them in any way.

"You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge in the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love you neighbor as yourself". (Galatians 5:13-14)

In fact, Christ has taught married people that to even look at another person with lust in the heart is to have already committed adultery. The moment we begin to desire another person outside of our marriage we disrespect them as a fellow creation of God. Not only that, but we are disrespecting and devaluing the marriage union that God designed and established for His purpose.

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)

Staying faithful begins with an attitude. For instance, if a man perceives a woman as a sexual object then he has instantly disrespected and devalued her as anything but a sexual target to use for his own personal enjoyment. But not all women portray themselves as such and so discernment is needed in this area of society. Not all men and women should be disrespected in this way. Women and men who exploit themselves as sexual objects are confused into thinking that the men and women who want them are respecting them, but it is actually the opposite - they are disrespecting one another in every way.

"Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes, for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress prays upon your very life". (Proverbs 6:25-26)

When we respect the marriage foundation as being reserved for a married man and woman to come together physically, and when we respect the body, mind, and soul of other human beings that is when we'll become faithful in our marriages. Only married couples belong to each other. Your body belongs to your spouse and your spouse's body belongs to you. But someone else's body, outside of your own marriage, does not belong to you, therefore to trespass against that person through sexual thoughts or the act of sexual relations is disrespecting that person.

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another". (Titus 3:3-4)

Each and every time that we even look at another person with sexual lust we are putting ourselves in danger. We look - we desire - we want - we get. How about changing this mindset and start regarding God's creation with respect - brother and sisterly love. Learn to appreciate others for their minds and not for what you can get from them sexually, or otherwise. In fact, men should be protecting women from the sexual advances and abuses of society not promoting it!

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires". (Galatians 5:25)

As God's creation we can choose rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit. We do not have to allow our lustful thoughts to take precedent over our lives. With God's help we can become new creatures in heart, mind, and soul. It is not a sin to be tempted but understand that desiring what is not yours is what sets off sexual immorality and adultery.

"Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace". (Romans 6:12-14)

Angie Lewis is the author of six self-help inspirational books offering marriage tips and wisdom filled answers. Angie tackles such issues as addiction, adultery, pornography, emotions, beliefs, forgiveness, communication and even your health! If your marriage and your health are important to you, then you must check out Angie's books. To preview these books go here: http://www.lulu.com/AngieLewis/ Marriage Resources - http://www.heavenministries.com/. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Angie_Lewis

Save Your Marriage Today - You Have the Power to Change Your Marriage For the Better

Simon Bendon

 

Plenty of marriages are failing these days. I see married couples opting to get divorced every single day. I think that married couples see divorce as a escape. It's kinda like an easy way out for them. Because they're not willing to put in the hard work to make the marriage work. And let's be honest here for a second, it takes A LOT of patience and hard work to get a happy marriage.

No body said that marriage would be easy. I think we're lead to believe that marriage is one big happy fairytale. After all we see it every single day on TV. Those romantic hollywood style movies. You know the ones I'm talking about! But it's not like that at all. You and your partner have to got be willing to put in the time and effort to make it work. You have the power to change your marriage for the better. If you want a happy marriage and you're willing to do whatever it takes, then read my tips below.

COMMUNICATE! The majority of married couples don't communicate effectively, and they wonder why their marriage is failing. If you want to save your marriage get it back on track, then you need to communicate every single day. Doing so, will open up a world of honest in your relationship.

The litte things go a long way. Ever heard of that phrase before? I'm sure you have. When was the last time you did something nice for your partner? It only has to be some small. If your husband is always the one who is cooking, then one day you offer to do the cooking instead. If your wife is always cleaning up, then one day you clean up instead. Little things go a long way.

Click HERE to Discover Powerful Methods YOU Can Use to Get Your Marriage Back on Track Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Simon_Bendon

5 Keys to a Long-Term, Healthy Marriage

Neill Neill

 

No one expects to have problems in their marriage. In fact, many marriages start off as good marriages. But, over time, some marriages can turn stale or even hostile. At any given time, vast numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage that lasts.

If you were to explore, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can cause problems in a marriage, but neglecting these points can really put your marriage at risk.

1. Look after yourself first.

If you place your highest priority on your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual self care, you won't wake up one morning to realize you have been a household servant or a meal ticket for the past decade.

Encourage each other in self-care from the beginning and in times of greatest need you will be able to really count on each other. If you have neglected self care in your life, you or your partner may not be willing to work on your marriage when the going gets tough.

Your highest priority has to be to take care of yourself at all levels. Do whatever you need to do. Self-care is the ultimate in unselfishness.

2. Do not merge your identities.

Always remember that each of you is a person in your own right. You have an identity.

Women in many cultures are particularly vulnerable to the trap of merging their identities with their partner's, but men fall into it too. We call it "codependency" when identities merge.

If you find yourself already slipping into merger, work on getting out of it. Always defend strongly your partner's right and your own right to be your own persons. Merged identities are incompatible with a healthy marriage.

3. Enjoy the show.

Pay attention to the changes in your partner as he or she evolves throughout life, and enjoy the show. There will often be spurts of personal growth and sometimes periods of stagnation, but the constant is change. That's the flow of life.

It's truly fun to watch our kids grow. Why should watching our partners grow be any different?

There is nothing to be afraid of. In an intimate relationship you have the privilege and opportunity to observe up close the twists and turns your partner will go through as he or she evolves.

Everyone changes; it's just that the changes are more subtle in a 45 year old than in a 15 year old.

Support the growth even if you don't understand it. Expect your partner to support you too as you evolve.

When I hear someone say, "He's not the man (or woman) I married," I know they are missing this crucial point. If they say, "I can't change-that's just the way I am," they are missing the point at an even more fundamental level.

4. Never stop doing things together for fun and laughter.

No matter how difficult and serious life gets at times, never stop doing things together for fun-things that make you laugh. Laughter is a requirement of any satisfying life. Laughter with a partner is part of the cement that can keep you together for a lifetime. Neglect it at your peril!

5. If you want more excitement, take up skiing...

Stay deserving of your partner's trust by steadfast fidelity. No matter what, don't have an affair. It offers a very temporary burst of excitement, but it is an assault few marriages can survive. (Many times an affair is staged simply to end a marriage.)

To rebuild trust and commitment after an affair you will probably need professional help, and even then there are no guarantees you will ever regain the level of trust you once had.

If you are an excitement junkie, find a more respectful way to get adventure.

Take time today to remember why you first got married. Most marriages are worth the work for a healthy, satisfying end result.

Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada, and is on the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an addiction rehab centre for men. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's Survival Guide. Get on his list for notification that he has posted a new article and receive his free report, "Personal Change." http://www.neillneill.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Neill_Neill

How to Make Your Wife Happy, The Soul Mate Success

Robert Lees

 

Naturally "how to make your wife happy" will have to do with your own emotional input, and a understanding of hers! Women are very delicate beings at the best of times, and like men, they are very different from on to another. The delicacy to their happiness would be like comparing an old stock standard 4 cylinder engine, to the high tech models of today, to keep them running smooth, requires maintenance and a good amount of learning.

Gone are the days of being able to keep your wife locked up at home to do all of the "wife duties" that we are led to believe they should be doing. You may be able to find 1 out of 100 that could be happy from these expectations, but its a fact that woman that are treated as equals with all responsibility based around your life, and marriages are happier than those that have general expectations, to be the no1 "clean up after me" its your duty. Marriage is about being a team, I am not saying that you are to be the one who does everything, but by not expecting that, and helping out where ever does make for a happier wife...

Woman who are emotionally involved tend to have a high concern on how there partner feels about everything that they are involved in, where us men tend to hold our emotions. A lot of marriages do fail because we don't learn to communicate effectively, particularly with the negative happenings in our life, wife's who feel like they are a part of you because you can talk with them about what goes on, good and bad, feel like they are have worth and are needed as part of your team...

Making love to your wife is far grater than than just having sex, you can make love all day long with your words and your actions. Everyone of us has little buttons that make us tick, touching a certain place on the body, my wife has a place on her back that I can touch and she cant wait for me to get home. Always be flirtatious in conversation, good eye contact with that smirky smile of yours that she seems to like, subtle gestures towards the way she makes you feel. It is all about building your friendship, being honest and keeping that spark alive.

Here is a really great guide that will give you some great tools, click here to view.

Kia ora, I went threw years of up and down, in and out of relationships, until I realized that I knew nothing about the needs of the opposite sex... This is so important for sustaining a long happy marriage This is a great place to make things great. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Robert_Lees